


Harry potter and the order of the parody

by Tom Riddle (Occamaestro)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Parody, Smart Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27094858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Occamaestro/pseuds/Tom%20Riddle
Summary: Parody of harry potter and the order of the phoenix.
Relationships: Cannon Relationships - Relationship
Kudos: 13





	1. Dudley Demented

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: SShhSSsssSSHHSsssSShS (parsletounge for 'i do not own harry potter')
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated but not necessary

Harry Potter lay in a garden bed, angsting. He was so very bored, so very angry, and so very mentally disturbed. Of course, he was also very warm due to the drought and probably minor heatstroke, but, ya know, he had better things to angst about. There was a crack, and harry, being delusional (probably from the heatstroke) took out his wand started to look for a house-elf. On his way up from his angst spot he banged his head. Ignoring the possible concussion, he waddled around.  
“Put your stick away boy!” said Uncle Vernon, who looked like a walrus. He then proceeded to strangle harry, not caring that if anyone saw and called child protection services.  
A woman walked past and gazed at uncle Vernon, who promptly dropped harry back into the flower bush.  
“Nice to see you!” he said, waving his fingers merrily. The woman looked down and walked by very quickly.  
When she was gone, uncle Vernon grabbed harry once again and began to question him.  
“What did you do!?” he barked, “You caused this racket!”  
Harry blinked.  
“I am an underage wizard-” uncle Vernon flinched “ if I had done any magic I would have been expelled,” he said.  
Uncle Vernon blinked. Harry barely fought off the urge to yell ‘hah! Logic!’. Aunt Petunia, who looked like a horse (because everyone who is ever bad must look horrid) then came over.  
“Why were you under the window!” she screeched.  
“Yes!” uncle Vernon said angrily “What a good point, what were you doing under our window!?”  
“What were you doing choking me?” said Harry, “did you know jail time for child abuse and neglect falls between 10-20 years”  
His uncle went pale.  
“I did not know that,” he said.  
“Well, now you do,” Harry said simply.  
Then Harry walked to the park because that is where all manly, angsting teenagers with PTSD go. 

“Ron and Hermione don’t send me letters,” Harry said sadly, going back and forth on the swing. Then Dudley’s drug gang came and started openly talking about punching people.  
“Did you know your offenses could land you in 5-10 years of juvie?” Harry said.  
Dudley scowled. “I think it’s cool and not at all illegal,” said one of his henchmen. “You are going around punching children, openly doing drugs, and smoking,” Harry replied, “I honestly wonder why nobody has called the police on you.”  
It was silent for a moment. “Bye big D!” his friends called, and they all walked away.  
“Ugh-” Dudley scoffed, “You think you’re a big man with your -thing-”  
Harry blinked, “you are making heavy sexual references,” he pointed out.  
“Well- well-” Dudley sputtered, “ at least I don’t mutter about my boyfriend in my sleep.”  
“What the hell?” Harry said.  
“Don’t kill Cedric!” Dudley mocked, “Who's Cedric, your boyfriend?”  
“No,” said Harry, “I show very clear signs of PTSD”  
Then the world went dark, and Dudley socked harry.  
“I’m sorry for not realizing your condition, but you don’t need to make me feel the same way!”  
“That is a dementor,” Harry said, “Not me.”  
“What’s a dementor?” Dudley asked.  
“Its a cross between a demon and a terminator and will suck out your soul,”  
“And you can’t see it, by the way,” he added as an afterthought.  
The dementors began dramatically wooshing towards them.  
“AAAAAH!” screamed Dudley, running towards the dementors.  
“You are probably going to get your soul sucked out.” harry observed.  
Not wanting his or his cousin's soul sucked out harry tried to retrieve his wand.  
“Lumos” he chanted.  
His wand lighted and Harry smiled at his ability to do wandless magic.  
“Expecto Patronum,” he said.  
The stag rammed the first dementor with its horns and then let harry ride it to save Dudley which significantly increased the drama.  
“Oh hell!” screamed an old lady, “He leaves for ONE moment and you get attacked by dementors!”  
Harry quickly ran away from the demented woman, taking Dudley beside him.  
“Get back here!” she screamed.  
Harry did not listen  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *


	2. A peck of Owls

Harry promptly dragged Dudley back to Privet drive and then let him fall on the welcome mat.

“Hello!” harry greeted. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon came running over.

“What happened!” they yelled in sync. “Dementors!” said Harry in the same tone.

Aunt petunia paled and tried to lift Dudley to no success.

“Aww poo,” she said.

“Wh- what are dementors Petunia?” Uncle Vernon stuttered.

“They guard the wizard prison,” she said sadly, “I heard that boy who I cant specify due to plot reasons tell lily.”

“They also cause clinical depression and can suck your soul out.” added harry helpfully.

Uncle Vernon paled, then colored in a matter of seconds. “GET OUT!” he yelled at Harry, “I DONT WANT MORE OF THESE THINGS COMING HERE!”

“Don’t worry,” soothed harry, “Using the same plot device twice is just lazy.”

Uncle Vernon nodded and thought for a moment.

“You can stay,” he said, “But you have to tell us how to fix Dudley,”

“Chocolate!” said Harry cheerfully. Then he traipsed up the stairs and into his room.

“HOOOO,” an owl-who-was-most-definitely-not-Hedwig hooted sadly.

Harry smiled and dug out one of the chocolate bars he had received from Hermione. (that he had not thrown out because which starved boy would throw out chocolate)

He then promptly ripped off a piece and handed it to the owl, who smacked it up. At once, his manner changed. “Hoo! HOOO!” the owl said, twirling around in joy. Harry peered down at the chocolate, examining it for owl drugs. He was unsuccessful.

The owl hooted again and stuck out its leg.

"You could take me out for dinner first!" said harry. 

The owl rolled its owl eyes and stuck out the other leg, which held three letters. Harry untied them and shooed the owl away. He promptly began to read.

**Dear Mr. Potter,**

**You are f*cked. The ministry hates you. Have fun being a muggle!**

**Mafalda Hopkirk (Please don’t stun me for polyjuice later in the series)**

He then read the next letter.

**Harry- Dumbledores sorting this shit out. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE**

**The-redhead-in-the-muggle shed (A.K.A Arthur Weasley)**

Finally, Harry opened the last letter which was obviously from Sirius.

**Dumbledore is helping. Don’t leave you little shit. he says you're not expelled. GROOVY!**

“Woah,” said harry “That would have been very confusing read in a different order.” Then he sat on his bed knowing full well, he was doomed.


End file.
